How often have you found yourself saying to yourself “I know what I should do but…” Now there are a few reasons why this comment can be a loaded one. Right now though I want to focus on the times when we recognise that we would like to do something differently, usually for a different result, but find ourselves falling short of our intended outcome.
Im talking about those times when you want to improve your nutrition, maybe you want to cut back on what has become a daily indulgence of an afternoon treat but every afternoon you find yourself in the pantry reaching for that block of chocolate and a voice inside your head saying “just do it”.
Or when your lifestyle balance is out of whack and every Friday you get home late from ANOTHER huge week at work, feeling exhausted and you realise yet again that your work has become all consuming with too many hours and too much stress and that you need to take better care of yourself.
Or your relationships aren’t nurturing like they should be and maybe you’ve found yourself too often prioritising others needs above your own. Now you’re frustrated yet again knowing that you should have said “no” but you didn’t.
It can be easy to know what you ‘should’ do in these circumstances but knowing it and doing it are often very different things. Why is this so often the case? To create a different result we need to act differently or think differently and often both. But new behaviours and new thinking come with unfamiliarity and for many, particularly those who like to perform at their best and get results, this test and measure phase can feel stressful and overwhelming making the process of change more unenjoyable than the experience of undesirable results. It can make change feel like hard work.
You might even find that after attempting something new but not getting the result you want you find yourself justifying your lack of success by saying “it was really hard”, further reinforcing the belief and making it even harder to attempt this and future changes down the track. Eventually, before you even give something a go you’re coming up with all the reasons it’s going to fail…shrinking your world, limiting your opportunities and resulting in feelings of being stuck, disempowered and frustrated.
So what can be done? Let’s start with your language. The more we tell ourselves that something is hard, the more we will believe it and the more we will look for evidence to prove this true. So by telling yourself it is hard, you are in fact making the process of change harder than it needs to be. To make the process of change easier, you can change your words and reframe your dialogue from saying “it is hard” to “it is unfamiliar”. This sets us up better mentally and creates more curiosity than criticism.
The core of this challenge often lies in unreasonable expectations. The unreasonable expectations that we often place upon ourselves to be great first time round, to make no mistakes, to quickly turn our situation around. With all new things there needs to be a period of learning, of adapting and growth. When our expectations don’t factor in this phase, then it can feel like hard work with no reward. All we see is that we are not getting the result we want rather than focusing on what we are learning along the way. We tell ourselves that we aren’t smart enough or good enough and our motivation to change diminishes. So when you are embarking upon a change, give yourself permission to have a few stumbles. The reframe above to it being ‘unfamiliar’ helps with this shift in thinking because with unfamiliar when tend to bring curiosity and an inquisitive nature.
It is also useful to remember that yes, change can require effort but that effort if often necessary to get the result we want. In recognising this, we focus on the positive of the effort rather than the discomfort. After all, if the butterfly is not prepared to stretch its wings and break out of its cocoon by tearing it apart, it would not have the strength in its wings required to take flight.
Which brings me to my final point. You need to be prepared to fight for yourself a little bit. To go after what you want. The motivation to do so all resides from your relationship with yourself. Do you value yourself enough to go after what you want? Do you have a kind relationship with yourself? One that gives you the grace to learn and make a few mistakes without judgement?
Within all these changes there may need to be some deeper learning and even healing that needs to take place. There may need to be some forgiveness for past ‘failures’ (hint: not failures!) and there may need to be a nurturing of your current relationship and sense of belief in yourself. If any of this seems relevant to you, take a look at our retreats that are all about the mindset required to truly create a lifestyle of wellbeing and happiness.
We look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sharon
