Can I get a hands up if you find yourself being overly critical of yourself? I mean, unless you win first place, unless you get the highest grade, unless you get the recognition, whatever you do isn’t good enough?
If you can relate to this you will also probably find that praising yourself is almost unheard of, instead you rely on the feedback of others, sometimes with desperation as you notice yourself going out of your way to get someones feedback.
You may also be familiar with the experience of having difficulty stopping, like you can’t switch off and there is always more to do. You can feel restless at times and this can unfortunately create tension in your relationships. People say “just sit down” or “we’ll do it later” but you just can’t let it go, you need to ‘get it all done!’. This can lead you to feel frustrated sometimes, like you’re always carrying the load, like you have no support and that you seem to be the only one prepared to do anything…it’s an exhausting process.
While this attitude of yourself can be at times your greatest strength because it pushes you, it can at times also be the darkest part of you, and it means that on any given day your sense of self esteem can be non existent. You don’t like yourself, you never feel good enough and you feel hesitant to truly chase your dreams, ambitions or goals, often opting to play it safe. Your criticism of yourself doesn’t always stop with you either. Sometimes it filters into your perception of other when you’re working in a team or in a relationship. Their contributions or offers of support are sometimes met with a judgement on your behalf because it wasn’t done the ‘right’ way, or the way you wanted it to be done.
I can completely relate to this overly critical nature. I remember a few years back, I had just completed my first ever ironman…..and I was disappointed. I didn’t complete it in the time I had set out for myself, so for me it wasn’t good enough. Never mind what I had just managed to do…that didn’t matter, it wasn’t fast enough and I unfortunately carried that around with me for a while. And I have at times been known to walk into the kitchen after my husband has done the dishes and if i’m not in a great mindset, will have the immediate opinion of…he hasn’t done the dishes properly, the kitchen is still a mess!”
People with this limiting attitude of themselves can sometimes fear that if they replaced their feeling of not being good enough to being good enough or knowing they are doing their best that they will lose their motivation or drive to push themselves, but this isn’t true. What does change however is. the exhaustion you feel from constantly striving for more. Instead of looking at the glass half empty, you start to notice the glass half full, but this doesn’t mean you don’t still want to top it up, its just that your reason for topping it up changes. Instead of topping it top up for fear of your water running out, you top it up because you want to enjoy the confidence in knowing you have a full glass.
So what’s the solution…well it comes wrapped up in a gift called acceptance. Acceptance of yourself means you like who you are, you know you have some ‘gaps’ and that’s ok, you know that there are some things that are outside of your wheel house and that’s ok too. You also know that what you do have is wonderful, powerful, valuable and uniquely you. Acceptance offers you the energy, the confidence, the motivation, to strive for more because you want to be great rather than just good.
Acceptance is the antidote to judgement and allows us to be curious rather than critical. It means we can lean into the unknown and step into something that is unfamiliar with an attitude of “I’ll be ok” or “I got this”. Acceptance provides us with a feeling of “I’ve got your back”, it’s reassurance.
Now just to be clear, acceptance doesn’t mean letting yourself off the hook, far from it. It’s not you saying “I don’t need to try because I accept myself”…no far from it. Acceptance means that when you reflect back on a past decision or action you trust yourself enough to know that you are always doing your best rather than judging yourself for what you didn’t do or ‘should’ have done.
In order to get to acceptance, sometimes there needs to be some forgiveness, sometimes there needs to be some letting go of the stories you tell yourself, sometimes there needs to be some ‘retiring’ of old identities that have steered you down this path for too long. All of this can be done through coaching and through our own genuine desire to want to feel better about yourself.
If you know that you need to do this work, I invite you come work with me in coaching or join me on one of my upcoming VitalityFit Retreats. Until then, be kind to yourself.
Sharon
